what's stopping me

I have such good intentions. I really do.

But something always stops me.

I have wanted to start a blog for at least five years now, but didn't do it because -- even though I am a "writer" -- what if it turns out I have nothing interesting to say?

I know I need to make exercise a much bigger part of my life and that it's possible to look and feel better, healthier and younger; but I don't make myself do it because what if it turns out I wouldn't look as good as Sheryl Crow or Demi Moore?

I took eight years of piano lessons when I was a kid, and I can still play some things that I played when I was a teenager. And I can still learn new pieces as long as I know what they are supposed to sound like and are in a key that doesn't have too many sharps or flats. I have two pieces of music that I would dearly love to be able to play well, and sometimes I work on them, but I don't keep it up for very long. I think it's because what if I can't ever play them well? If I don't keep practicing, I'll never know. But if I do keep practicing and still never get any better, then that would suck, right?

I really want to reach out and make friends with some of my acquaintances -- invite couples over for dinner, make a connection with other moms who seem interesting -- but I don't ever pick up the phone and call someone and move it to that next level because what if they think "I don't want to be friends with that boring and/or annoying woman"?

I'm getting tired of being someone who doesn't follow through on her good intentions.

The more I write, the better my writing will become, and I will eventually have something interesting to say.
I won't ever be a hardbody like Sheryl or Demi, but if I exercise more I can make myself healthier and slimmer than I am now, and that would be awesome.

I have proven that I can play the piano well if I practice. If I do work on those pieces every day (or even every other day), I WILL eventually be able to play them. And just playing the piano at all makes me feel more like the creative person that I want to be.

As far as making friends...that seems like the hardest one. Yet I am feeling more and more lately how important it is for us humans to connect with each other. I am not actually boring or annoying, I don't think. So I should really follow up on this intention.
This is what has been stopping me. This post is my first step toward taking action.

i am not THAT old!

When I was a teenager and young adult, I always looked younger than my years. Don't know what it was, but people always thought I was younger than I was. They'd say, "Oh, you're lucky. The older you get, the happier you'll be to look younger!"

The trouble was, as I got older, somewhere along the line I must have started looking older. In fact, when I was 29 and taking care of some last-minute details for my wedding reception, the idiot security guard at the place asked me, "Are you the mother of the bride?"

"Um, I'm the BRIDE!" Gee, thanks for making me feel so attractive on my wedding day!

Fast-forward five years later to a shopping trip out with my second baby. She was about a week old, and I was probably looking pretty haggard as I piloted the stroller to the department store checkout and put the baby dresses up on the counter. The (extremely young) clerk smiled and said, "Oh, are these for your granddaughter?"

Yeah, right. Let's see, if I had a daughter at seventeen, and SHE had a daughter at seventeen, that would work out about right. I think I burst into tears at that point and shocked the clerk with "No!! they're for my DAUGHTER!! I just had a BABY!  GOD!!"

Now that I'm getting to that age (45) where I could actually be a pretty young grandmother (while not a teenage-pregnancy-induced grandmother), I guess I shouldn't be so sensitive about it. I think I look pretty good. I could stand to lose a few pounds, and I'm starting to have an intimate understanding of why people get facelifts (though I don't ever really want to do that); but I try to dress to flatter my figure, I wear makeup, I have a cute haircut, and I still feel about 29 inside.

So it was kind of a shock when I went to one of those "passion parties" last year, you know, where you get together and have drinks with your girlfriends and then one of them starts demonstrating sex toys and accessories for everyone to buy. My friend Lisa talked me into going with her; I hadn't been out to do anything fun in a while, and was trying to get in the spirit of the thing while having drinks before the demonstration, when a neighbor of hers came up to me and said, "Oh, I just wanted to say hi! I've seen you at Lisa's before -- you're her mother-in-law, aren't you?"

Wow, I feel so sexy now. Let me whip out my credit-card and buy some lingerie for this hot grandmotherly body. "Um, NO! I'm her FRIEND. I am TWO YEARS older than Lisa!!! I am not old enough to be her mother-in-law!!!"  She recoiled, obviously regretting her error; and after hearing my sob story, Lisa said to me, "Oh, she's young, and everyone knows she's kind of an airhead." But still. Gah.

It took me the rest of the year to get over that one. I look at myself and try to figure out what it is...maybe my posture. Maybe if I stand up straight, smile more, wear younger clothes, something...

But it's obviously not working. The other day I saw a classmate of my 10-year-old's at the grocery store. I smiled at him and he said "I know you!! You're Allie's grandma!"
"I'm Allie's MOM."
"Oh! Sorry!"
Huh. Well, maybe it's time to just embrace it. Because I think I look pretty damn good for a grandma!

i now have a teenager

I went into labor on Labor Day weekend thirteen years ago, and my first daughter Maggie was born, changing my life forever (in the best way) and ushering me into the parenthood club. She was an adorable baby, then a smart go-getter of a toddler, a helpful big sister, and a bright, creative little girl.

As we head into the teenage years, we're starting to get the eye-rolls and heavy sighs and storming out of the room that I remember from my own early teen-hood (with the unspoken "I'm so mad! I don't know why! I'm just mad! No one understands! You people are hopeless!). But most of the time she is loving, funny, sensible, and responsible, just the kind of teenager I would hope for. I really hope we can hang on to this kind of teenager. I'd rather not have the kind I was. (Although I never really did much of anything besides sitting and moping in my room, hating myself and thinking about boys.)

I've just been thinking about how lucky I am to have such a great daughter.

choosing happiness

DailyOM - Be Happy Every Single Day

http://www.dailyo...

To make joy a fixture in your existence, you must first accept that it is within your power to choose happiness over unhappiness every single day.

I liked this article (found via Willa). I have really been trying lately to enjoy and savor the little things, and find ways to choose to be happy.

I have noticed how much my own happy (or grumpy!) moods are reflected back to me by my family.

a lovely mountain weekend

This little rippling creek next to our campsite this weekend really captured my imagination. Watching the water rush away through and around the trees made me think that if I followed it I might find little woodland fairies or hobbit cottages.

It made such a soothing sound as we fell asleep, too.

back from texas

I love looking west and seeing mountains. But one thing I miss about living in the flatlands is the sunsets. Here in the Colorado front range, the sun just goes right down behind the mountains, usually without a lot of fanfare. Sometimes we get a surprise burst of color, which is cause for much oohing and ahhing.

Lake_travis_sunset

However, when we go down to Austin, this type of scene is a regular occurrence at my mom's house. Beautiful colors that intensify and last a long time after the sun is well down below the horizon.
Although...actually now that I compare this photo to the one in my banner (taken in eastern Colorado), I see how similar the colors really are. You just have to go a little further east.
And the sunrises here can be spectacular too. I'm just not usually up that early with my camera!

a new month...

Well, that was a ridiculously long time in between my first post and my second...I can't ever seem to get this off the ground. Here is one reason for my lack of time: our puppy, Kaila. First dog I've had as an adult, and it's almost like having a baby all over again. Oops, gotta run -- she's stolen another shoe.