Wednesday, December 8, 2010

lost my will to write (no #reverb10)

I am having a weird week. I haven't felt like writing. The prompts haven't inspired me. Or rather, they've inspired me to feel bad that I have no words to respond. What did I make this year? Can't think of anything but uninspired dinners and boring lunches for the girls' lunchboxes every day. What community am I part of? Not one. I barely even made it to my monthly book club meeting twice this year. I have wished so hard to be part of one but I don't really try to be part of one.

I did have something to say about the "let go" prompt, but I didn't have the opportunity to write that day. I should get around to that one; apparently people aren't necessarily going in order or exactly on the day. I guess I will get to that.

I just feel sad and lost today.

This photo spoke to me today because I feel like I'm sitting here with the ball in my mouth waiting for someone to throw it to me, but I won't give them the ball so they can throw it. (That is how my dog does it. She will only give up the ball if you give her a treat for it, but she REALLY wants you to throw the ball SO BAD, PLEASE PLEASE THROW THE BALL FOR ME.)

So I REALLY don't feel like I can respond to the beautifully different prompt yet. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel unique, I don't feel like I light people up.

I need to snap out of it.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

wonder (#reverb10)

reverb10 prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Cultivate a sense of wonder...I didn't do this enough. I raced through the year being busy and getting stuff done. I am surrounded by cynical and sarcastic teenagers. Far from being cultivated, my sense of wonder is a sad little dried out flower. But yesterday I drove up north to visit my good friend's new baby...and bam! there's my sense of wonder right there. I held week-old Josie on my lap and she looked up at me and made little faces and dimples and grabbed my fingers and seemed to look right at me. I know they can only focus inches in front of their faces at this age, but I could swear she was looking right at me and thinking something very profound.

She seemed so calm and wise, so alert, for a little creature who just arrived last week. And so tiny and perfect, that it brought me straight back to the times when I held my own babies for the first time. I felt so filled with awe and wonder and joy at the miracle of this tiny little girl who will grow up to be a smart, beautiful woman and live a full life.

I will definitely keep that feeling in mind as I try to cultivate my shriveled sense of wonder back into bloom through the holidays and into 2011.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

writing...or not writing (#reverb10)

Reverb10 Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?

Wow. What DON'T I do that doesn't contribute to my writing. It's kind of a theme of my sporadic blog writing and my 750 words writing, when I get around to them, that I whine about how I have left my planned writing until the last minute so I don't have much time, and then all I can do is sit there and stare at a blank screen without being able to think of what to write about.

I'm a working mom, so obviously I am "busy" and have lots of "stuff to do," but I don't put my writing (or other things that are important to me) first. I get distracted...(oh, look, a leaf!), I tackle little projects that need to get done but not right then, I get asked to do something and never make it back to my blank screen...and my writing falls away as an optional, expendable activity.

And then there's the surfing (do the kids today still call it that?). Looking for inspiration, I read other people's writing, flitting from one link to the next, rather than creating my own writing.

Can I eliminate these obstacles? I am working on that. I think I can. I am hoping that using these reverb10 prompts and actually commenting on other people's writing rather than just lurking will give me a sense of community to contribute to, and a sense of obligation to live up to what I have said I will do. That will be a good start.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

one word (#reverb10)

The prompt for today:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

One word for 2010, one word I am hoping will define 2011. Hmm. Well. After mulling it over all morning, I was still struggling for one word to define this year. It's a tough one, boiling the year down to its essence.

For 2010 I came up with: respond. That word sums up a lot about what 2010 was about for me. When my boss-lady, senior marketing coordinator Brooke, resigned in January to become a personal trainer, I responded to the call to fill in for her. I worked many more hours than I was accustomed to working, and produced several quality proposals and shortlist interview presentation materials. I arranged my schedule to be at work whenever needed for deadlines, interviews with prospective coordinators, meetings, whatever needed my response. It took a good 6 months to hire someone, and even since then, I have continued to respond to the need to train the new person and help produce proposals for the rest of the year. It made me feel important and needed, and I certainly like to be important and needed!

At the same time, I had another event to respond to this year: my 30th high school reunion in June. I made the reservation in January, and I wanted to show up to that event looking and feeling powerful, like someone who is living the life they want to live and living it well. I volunteered to produce the slide show for the big party, and collected photos from folks I hadn't seen in 30 years. I organized and retouched all the photos and created a slick looking show. My new trainer Brooke came up with a diet and exercise plan for me, and while I didn't follow the plan exactly, I did shape up enough to feel pretty good walking into a room full of former popular high schoolers in a sleeveless dress and think, "I am not too shabby!" 

In general, my life is about responding these days.  I respond to the needs of my family; people ask me to do things and I respond. I am pleased with that and I like that people can count on me. But it feels like there should be something more.

And so I name the word for 2011: awaken. I would like to finally awaken some dormant parts of me this year: the creative writer, the musician and singer, the artist, the woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. The woman who responds to others but also can expect others to respond to her. I want to awaken the part of me that is slumbering or coasting through life being "busy." I think I have enough confidence built up on the strength of this year to try to awaken her (me).