lost my will to write (no #reverb10)

I am having a weird week. I haven't felt like writing. The prompts haven't inspired me. Or rather, they've inspired me to feel bad that I have no words to respond. What did I make this year? Can't think of anything but uninspired dinners and boring lunches for the girls' lunchboxes every day. What community am I part of? Not one. I barely even made it to my monthly book club meeting twice this year. I have wished so hard to be part of one but I don't really try to be part of one.

I did have something to say about the "let go" prompt, but I didn't have the opportunity to write that day. I should get around to that one; apparently people aren't necessarily going in order or exactly on the day. I guess I will get to that.

I just feel sad and lost today.

This photo spoke to me today because I feel like I'm sitting here with the ball in my mouth waiting for someone to throw it to me, but I won't give them the ball so they can throw it. (That is how my dog does it. She will only give up the ball if you give her a treat for it, but she REALLY wants you to throw the ball SO BAD, PLEASE PLEASE THROW THE BALL FOR ME.)

So I REALLY don't feel like I can respond to the beautifully different prompt yet. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel unique, I don't feel like I light people up.

I need to snap out of it.

wonder (#reverb10)

reverb10 prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Cultivate a sense of wonder...I didn't do this enough. I raced through the year being busy and getting stuff done. I am surrounded by cynical and sarcastic teenagers. Far from being cultivated, my sense of wonder is a sad little dried out flower. But yesterday I drove up north to visit my good friend's new baby...and bam! there's my sense of wonder right there. I held week-old Josie on my lap and she looked up at me and made little faces and dimples and grabbed my fingers and seemed to look right at me. I know they can only focus inches in front of their faces at this age, but I could swear she was looking right at me and thinking something very profound.

She seemed so calm and wise, so alert, for a little creature who just arrived last week. And so tiny and perfect, that it brought me straight back to the times when I held my own babies for the first time. I felt so filled with awe and wonder and joy at the miracle of this tiny little girl who will grow up to be a smart, beautiful woman and live a full life.

I will definitely keep that feeling in mind as I try to cultivate my shriveled sense of wonder back into bloom through the holidays and into 2011.

writing...or not writing (#reverb10)

Reverb10 Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?

Wow. What DON'T I do that doesn't contribute to my writing. It's kind of a theme of my sporadic blog writing and my 750 words writing, when I get around to them, that I whine about how I have left my planned writing until the last minute so I don't have much time, and then all I can do is sit there and stare at a blank screen without being able to think of what to write about.

I'm a working mom, so obviously I am "busy" and have lots of "stuff to do," but I don't put my writing (or other things that are important to me) first. I get distracted...(oh, look, a leaf!), I tackle little projects that need to get done but not right then, I get asked to do something and never make it back to my blank screen...and my writing falls away as an optional, expendable activity.

And then there's the surfing (do the kids today still call it that?). Looking for inspiration, I read other people's writing, flitting from one link to the next, rather than creating my own writing.

Can I eliminate these obstacles? I am working on that. I think I can. I am hoping that using these reverb10 prompts and actually commenting on other people's writing rather than just lurking will give me a sense of community to contribute to, and a sense of obligation to live up to what I have said I will do. That will be a good start.

one word (#reverb10)

The prompt for today:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

One word for 2010, one word I am hoping will define 2011. Hmm. Well. After mulling it over all morning, I was still struggling for one word to define this year. It's a tough one, boiling the year down to its essence.

For 2010 I came up with: respond. That word sums up a lot about what 2010 was about for me. When my boss-lady, senior marketing coordinator Brooke, resigned in January to become a personal trainer, I responded to the call to fill in for her. I worked many more hours than I was accustomed to working, and produced several quality proposals and shortlist interview presentation materials. I arranged my schedule to be at work whenever needed for deadlines, interviews with prospective coordinators, meetings, whatever needed my response. It took a good 6 months to hire someone, and even since then, I have continued to respond to the need to train the new person and help produce proposals for the rest of the year. It made me feel important and needed, and I certainly like to be important and needed!

At the same time, I had another event to respond to this year: my 30th high school reunion in June. I made the reservation in January, and I wanted to show up to that event looking and feeling powerful, like someone who is living the life they want to live and living it well. I volunteered to produce the slide show for the big party, and collected photos from folks I hadn't seen in 30 years. I organized and retouched all the photos and created a slick looking show. My new trainer Brooke came up with a diet and exercise plan for me, and while I didn't follow the plan exactly, I did shape up enough to feel pretty good walking into a room full of former popular high schoolers in a sleeveless dress and think, "I am not too shabby!" 

In general, my life is about responding these days.  I respond to the needs of my family; people ask me to do things and I respond. I am pleased with that and I like that people can count on me. But it feels like there should be something more.

And so I name the word for 2011: awaken. I would like to finally awaken some dormant parts of me this year: the creative writer, the musician and singer, the artist, the woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. The woman who responds to others but also can expect others to respond to her. I want to awaken the part of me that is slumbering or coasting through life being "busy." I think I have enough confidence built up on the strength of this year to try to awaken her (me).

reverberations (#reverb10)

So why am I doing reverb10? I think I was drawn to it first because I admire Gwen Bell so much -- don't even remember how I first heard of her, and I have never even tried to connect with her, but I love how she is one of those people who has made the life she wants and presents such a beautiful picture of it to others.

I have wanted to be part of a community for a long time, and have lurked around the edges of some awesome ones online for years. Why haven't I put myself out there to be part of it? This is a way to put my toe in. Seems like it would be a welcoming community.

I am an editor in my everyday life, and editing is something I truly enjoy, but I also want to be a writer. And the only way to be a writer is to write. So this will get me writing more often. I really want to make myself stick with it.

I want to look back on my year and think about all that has happened, beyond summarizing it in words and photos for our Christmas card. I want to think about how the changes in my job, changes in my family, and changes in myself have made me the person I am now. I really want 2011 to be my year. It should be: my lucky number is 11. Well, I can't really say what has ever been lucky about it throughout my life, but I was born on the 11th and have always connected with that number. I am ready for the coming year to be the one in which I explode into the fully realized person I am meant to be.

Life goes by so fast. I want to hang on to the little moments and feel that I am not missing them, that life is not passing me by. This seems like a good way to focus on that.

things to think about

A couple of weeks ago after I finished my photo shoot of the guys climbing the bridge in downtown Denver, I was heading back to the car when I caught sight of this window. I think this was some kind of ad agency or studio, but it was hard to tell, and no one was inside. I really liked these messages, though, and how they put them out there for passersby to see and absorb.

climbing to the sky

I got to shoot photos and videos of our bridge inspectors yesterday climbing and inspecting Denver's Millennium Bridge. It was thrilling and amazing watching them climb the long cables and hang out on the top of the bridge mast. All the passersby on the pedestrian bridge were pretty thrilled too, especially the little boys. Although one boy's mom was not thrilled when I pointed the climbers out to her son: She gasped when she saw them high in the sky and said to her boy, "Don't ever do that!" Hee.

It was a beautiful day to be outside, and I think I got some wonderful shots. Wish I could do that (and the video editing) all the time for my job!

back from a fantasyland

We took a fun vacation last week to Orlando. Who knew there would be such a beautiful replica of Hogwarts there? Universal really did a great job with the Wizarding World. Walking through Hogsmeade, drinking a butterbeer, going on the Forbidden Journey with Harry, Hermione, and Ron, and doing the Dragon Challenge - awesome rollercoaster! - all of the Wizarding World experiences were fantastic.

Oh, and Walt Disney World was pretty great too. Especially loved Rockin' Roller Coaster at Hollywood Studios. And we also really enjoyed Mission: Space at Epcot. Tried it the easy way first, and it was a little too bland. Then we decided that the next day we would opt for the deadly "orange" version of the ride where it spins you so fast you feel the Gs like you are really taking off. Awesome.

We all four got along pretty well most of the time too, especially for spending almost every moment together for a full week. It was definitely the kind of vacation from which you need a vacation, though! So glad to be home!

still posting, still not much to say.

I like this photo because of the sweet bokeh in the background. It was really hard to get the camera to focus on that sad skinny little dying flower, but I like how it turned out when it finally did.

Hope this picture is worth 1000 words, because I don't have much left to say. I did write my 750 at 750words.com this morning, which is a totally awesome site.

day 2

This is more camera play from the other day...lying in the grass. The grass is still green, but the fallen leaves are golden. I love this time of year.

camera play

I am still learning the ins and outs of my Nikon D60. I like the small depth of field in this shot. I really need to shoot more photos.

like / no like

I like this time of year when I'm feeling all organize-y and self-improvement-y. I don't like that I haven't been sleeping very well and that I have awakened the last couple days with one eye so puffy that when I look down I can see my own face.

I like that I have work again (yay for not getting laid off! yay for earning money!) I don't like that I have so much trouble fitting in creative pursuits and working out when I am working any appreciable amount.
I like that I have video evidence of playing the piano with my daughter. I don't like that all I can see when I look at the video my hubby posted on FB (not the one that photo is taken from) are the weird and unattractive faces I make when I play the piano and the most horrific double-chin I have ever seen. Now on display for all my friends (and work colleagues, and old boyfriends, and so on...) to see. Argh.

So, in the spirit of my self-improvement-y feeling, how do I solve these "dislikes"? Well, I really need to get over worrying about what I look like, especially when my image gets put out there for all to see. It's just life. I'm living it, flab and weird faces and all. If I really, really try to fit in the exercise, I will sleep better and be less puffy. And maybe improve the double-chin, too.
Off to go work out now!